Regret is a pool that is a mile deep and a mile wide and sometimes one catches themselves in the middle of it trying to swim to shore only to be met with waves crashing at you from all sides (nevermind that a pool typically doesn’t have waves).
The sound of silence reverberates. Silence because one is lost in their own head. Reliving regret. Reliving the angst that brought him here. Reliving the pain he wreaks on those around him. Without seeing the why, the havoc continues in its’ inception, unfolding when least expected.
Reliving the regret is almost worse than living the act the first time around.
But what is it to be immersed, so immersed in ones’ own shit. The kind of mess that comes from childhood. The kind of immersion of being lost (in a pool a mile deep and a mile wide). When those around you who love you who root you on are so tired of throwing out the life savers from shore. They toss and they toss but they can’t quite reach you. And you swim, against the waves, against your own nature (and habits and addictions and sorrows) and you continue to swim but you grow tired. As tired as those on shore throwing you the life savers.
What then?
Do you pull yourself in, one last time. Do you paddle to safety, furiously pumping your legs in the rhythm, against the stemming waves. Against the fury of all that is trying to swallow you whole. The people on shore may even be too tired to root you on, root you to safety. What then? Does it matter any more when you are no longer drowning and those that await you are done? Does it matter that you’re fighting the good fight (and they’ve given up on you)?
“What Went Down”
With the lights and the roses and the cowards downtown
They threw me a party, there was no one around
They tried to call my girl but she could not be foundI buried my guilt in a pit in the sand
With the rust and the vultures and the trash downtown
So don’t step to me, kid, you’ll never be found
Cause while you were sleeping, I took over your townWhen I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, of my eye
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, won’t ya
I fell for a girl with a port-wine stain
I knew her initials but never her name
I tried and I tried and I was never the same
So no longer through love and I’m forever changed
When I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, of my eye
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, won’t ya
Give up my money, give up my name, take it away
I’ll give it away, I’ll give it away, I’ll give it
When I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, of my eye
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, won’t ya
Give up my money, give up my name, take it away
I’ll give it away, I’ll give it away, I’ll give it
I’m a sycophantic animal, I’m a sycophantic animal, I’m a sycophantic animal
Break up the chain, I’ll break up the chain, I’ll break it
Give it away, I’ll give it away, I’ll give it
When I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, of my eye
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, won’t ya
Give up my money, give up my name, take it away
Give it away, give it away, I’ll give it
See you again, I’ll see you again, I’ll see ya
Give it away, I’ll give it away, I’ll give it
When I feel low, when I feel low, I feel it
When I see a man, I see a liar
When I see a man, I see a liar
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, of my eye
You’re the apple of my eye, of my eye, won’t ya