Long forgotten. I feel myself looking at these memories in black & white. My world was gray then. The only colorful spots were my kids. My personal pain, extending far beyond my marriage and into my primary relationships (my parents). My mother, likely already battling dementia (I just didn’t SEE the signs, I mean I saw them but I didn’t acknowledge them) and my dad knee deep in Parkinson’s (which scared the shit out of me). And me. 38 years old, unhappy in so many ways BUT I was running a successful (by monetary standards anyway) business.
My thyroid was in havoc. Working out five days a week WASN’T working like it used to…I didn’t have any answers as to why…I trusted my primary care MD (although of all people I knew better)
My marriage was tumultuous.
My “best friend” was not-so-much who I needed but I had fear and a sense of loyalty that kept me frozen from actually moving on.
— in that sense I should’ve moved on.
Funny how this photo illustrates exactly how I felt at the moment, I didn’t know it then and it’s only in discovering this image now that I see it. I felt like I was just looking in on my own life, I felt my own world was outside of my control. I was powerless, in the passenger seat, looking at the reflections of those people in my life and trying to figure out the puzzle pieces of how I fit in.
I maybe should’ve made this photo color because they were my bright spots. I didn’t feel so sad that I couldn’t trudge through it. To the contrary, I had this fake upbeat attitude that was probably transparent to everybody but me.
I was faking it til I could make it. Eventually it worked (I think).
From the moment she was in my arms, I felt like this child’s eyes bore into my soul and reflected back to me the love I didn’t feel I had for myself.
I love this photo of her, I can feel her eyes still through those goggles. How precious she is to me. Both of them. I thank my lucky stars that they exist in my life. It made the unbearable worth bearing. Their faces reflect the love that I felt lacking in so many other aspects of my life. -M.S.D. 9/22/15